life happened

Wow - no posts since February. Wow.

Guess that's what happens when you meet an amazing chick: just don't find myself wanting to spend 12 hours in a casino poker room, when I could be spending much of that time with an amazing person.

I still dabble online a bit, but even that has been cut down dramatically. When I lived alone, my routine was: work, come home, fix dinner, sit down to some FTP, shower, bed. Now that my fiance and I are living together, we end up doing things together when I get home from work. We only moved in together a month ago, so we still have plenty to do to make our apartment "our" home.

I'm also finding myself in the kitchen much more than I had been. I do the cooking, and find that when I'm not just cooking for myself that I put a lot more thought and effort into the preparation. For myself I'll just throw any old thing together, and if it's not that great, well - eh, no biggie, it'll provide the nutrients I need. But cooking for someone else is a whole different can of worms.

That said: I do sometimes miss being at the casino. My last trip was far from successful: I made a lot of bad, goofy mistakes and left down 2 buy-ins. I did have fun, though.

New law in the state of WA goes into effect 10/15: raising the max bet at non-tribal casinos from $40 to $100. Currently you can play $2-$40 spread at the mini-casinos just north of Seattle. These will most likely be switching to the $2-$100 spread soon enough. Those 2-40 games are pretty soft, and with the right patience, I'm betting on being able to make a pretty good score at the 2-100 games. I'll probably be checking those out at the end of the month.

Maybe I'll post a real poker post after that.

Vegas mini-report + life stuff

No extended Vegas trip report yet - had a lot going on, a lot on my mind since Vegas.

Finishing up school for the quarter, and been doing some soul-searching, trying to decide whether chemical dependency counseling really is the road I want to walk down. Haven't decided, but have decided to continue with classes through at least summer quarter.

Grandpa's been battling pancreatic cancer for over a year now. Did radiation, then a brief round of chemo which he stopped due to unbearable side effects. Things have been a roller coaster: 2 awesome weeks, followed by 3 horrible ones, 3 good days then 2 bad then 5 good then 6 bad....etc.... had what we thought was a routine procedure scheduled for this week (fluid build-up in the abdomen, which is very typical in pancreatic cancer, which was going to be removed either via drugs or otherwise), but once he hit the hospital he had great difficulty breathing, and since he's been kept overnight he's been heavily sedated and unaware of his surroundings. Talk about a bad beat...

I had been planning a trip next week to visit; unfortunately I may be going there earlier to say goodbye.

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Had a great time in Vegas. Venetian is a wonderful place to stay - awesome rooms, nice pools, great food - we didn't leave the Venetian/Palazzo complex for the first 36 hours of the trip.

KA was one of the most awe-inspiring, breathtaking shows I've ever experienced. Simply amazing. Even setting aside the story and the performances, just the technical feat that is the Ka stage and theatre is just -- well, stunning. I'd recommend it to anyone at anytime. I'd go see it again; hell if the tickets were cheaper I'd have stayed for the 2nd show. Unreal, and marvelous.

As far as poker -- had fun playing. I ended the trip down due to a guy making a great call and my draw not making it. It was my last day, my last short session, and check-raised all in on the turn with an OESD + flush draw, the guy tanked for what seemed like 5 minutes before calling with bottom-two pair. I honestly didn't think he was as strong as that even, but he made the call and won the pot, kudos to him.

Rest of the play was totally uneventful -- the place was swarming with poker players, the Venetian poker room was even packed at 3am Saturday night/Sunday morning when I went down. Unreal. The late night action was super-loose and quite passive. I chipped up a bit each night, never any huge hands or big scores.

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Been playing online micro-stakes the past week or so ($0.02/$0.05), playing super-loose and making a ton of VERY loose calls with middle and sometimes only bottom-pair. I was the Calling Station at the table, though these were often against players who had been showing a penchant for over-bluffing. I also got some big pots (for the stakes) that allowed me to gambool a bit more than was likely prudent. My FT account took about a $6 hit over the past 7 days, much of which happened 2 nights ago.

Had some really, really sick beats too. Big-time coolers, too - like the blind-vs-blind hand where I flop top 2 and opponent flops a set, I flop a set with AA and get run down by a flush draw with Qs7s... oh, well. If I'm not in Florida I'll be headed to Tulalip for a live-session this Friday; I sometimes feel like I'm easily bluffed, and so don't mind taking a small hit online by getting the "calling-station syndrome" out of my system.

no time...

I've had like no time for poker lately. I've in class 3 days a week, and doing homework most of the other 4. My Saturday class is over this week, though, so I'll have a little lighter of a load shortly. Still, I doubt I'll be playing until likely 11/1 (plans the next two weekends).

Feels odd to take such an extended break - I was playing literally every week for months now. Miss it, miss the extra cash. Looking forward to getting back into the action whenever I can.

Grandpa update, preview of NL action this weekend

First off, Grandpa's prognosis was not very good: the doctor, who would not have bothered with the surgery if he didn't think he could do anything, ended up not being able to do much at all. The tumor is cancerous, and there was too much of it to be able to do anything surgically. What he did will allow Grandpa to not get jaundiced and be able to eat comfortably for a little while.

Next up is a visit with the oncologist, and a likely recommendation of a combination chemo/radiation treatment. The surgeon said this is most likely, and will in most case allow grandpa a few more years of fine, comfortable living.

He's still recouping, and was able to get up and walk around a bit yesterday. Likely will go home Monday or Tuesday, and begin chemo / radiation in about a month, once he's healed up a little from surgery.

Not the greatest news, that's for sure. Being that he's 82, though, the ability to likely get a few more comfortable years is not a bad thing.


I'm looking forward to some more NL fun Saturday. I want to take a shot at $3/5 soon, but I don't think this weekend is it. Maybe, we'll see - I'll make that call Saturday.

My goals this session are (besides great decision making): pot control, and value betting. I've been missing some value bets with winning hands, and I'd like to be able to get more out of them.

And I've gotten better about keeping pot sizes reasonable when holding good, but not great hands. This one is tough for me, though, because some of the typical Tulalip play is so bad I want to get as much as I can out of the hands; OTOH sometimes it's not necessary to bloat the pot with vulnerable holdings.

aw crap

Grandpa's not doin' well. Been having stomache pains for months, and the idiot doctors couldn't find anything wrong. After MONTHS of this, yesterday he finally went to the Cleveland Clinic, where they examined him and found a tumor/mass on the pancreas, which is blocking the pancreatic vein.

Surgery is likely not an option due to his age.

Crap.

slow

Played nary a hand of poker since last week. No interest. Planning on playing The Mookie Wednesday, and hopefully RPT Thursday (depends on if I'll be back from work in time). Had half-a-plan to hit the Tulalip this weekend, but I suffered from severe insomnia from last Wednesday through Sunday, and know I play really crappy when that tired (Vegas was a different story).

I felt like I'd abandoned my blog, so I figured I'd write a touch. Only poker-related stuff I've been doing is watching all the WSOP main event coverage from ESPN (I found a site that streams them online - remember, no TV for this dude). I followed the ME on pokernews.com, so I knew when some all-ins were going to come from behind, etc. Was great to actually see Rain Khan dance with a chair on his head - I remember the description from the live updates, and couldn't imagine what that meant.

I've also been getting my apartment "date ready," as I found out over the weekend it really isn't. I needed to get a few simple things, and need to straighten up a few things, and actually do a small bit of rearranging, then it'll be much closer to ready. I'm actually thinking of asking her to come shopping with me; chicks love to shop...

no desire

I've had practically zilcho desire to play online lately. A few nights ago I played a couple limit tables, trying to win my buy-in for the Mookie (which I did), but that was over 3 different tables, short-handed, leaving once it filled up, and took all of 8 minutes. I love short-handed or HU limit - 3 handed is my favorite for some reason. I feel like I can really control the action and do well at it; I wish I kept better records, but since I mostly gave up full ring-game limit online (and also months ago gave up live limit), and have only played HU or 3-4 way (no more), I have been very profitable. Don't know what happens against fewer people: I know when to pound away at the pot, I know when to fold -- a LOT more so than when I'm against 8 others.

...but I'm getting off my point...

I've had zero desire to play. This used to be my ritual: once I'm back from work, or wherever, I log in, fire up a sit n go or 3, and play 'till bed time. The past two weeks.... not so much... I'm looking forward to next weekend (not this up coming one, but the following one) -- a good chunk of my paycheck will be going to replenish my bankroll (which, if I didn't mention, was raided to buy my fatty new computer), so I'll have a decent cushion to play with. I may even stick to 1/2 --- but knowing the action junkie I am I'll probably stick to 3/5. THOUGH -- it'd be an interesting exercise to specifically play 1/2 and go in with the intent of playing a very LAG style (which has NEVER been my style). Could be good for me, to see "how the other side lives" so-to-speak. And at the max buy-in at 1/2, I could bust through 3 buy-ins for the same as one max buy-in at 3/5. Obviously the cash isn't as big, but -- I'm thinking this could be an interesting exercise.

We'll see -- that's still 10 days away. And obviously if I get sat at a table full of lagtards, joining in would be the worst idea.

Wonder if that's what has killed my desire for online play: I so much prefer live games, and I much prefer cash games over tournaments. Last summer/early fall I had great luck at online cash games (small stake - .50/1 NL); since moving out west I've either had pathetic luck or played like a jackass in online cash games.... but live I've been very happy with my play (well... except for the worst call of my poker-playing life!!!) I enjoy the live interaction and the extra information.

I have enjoyed the big MTT's I've played, but they get to be a big drag. Sit n go's I really enjoy, but I just.... well, I dunno... just haven't had that spark. Oh, well.

Must be that time of the month....

the Actor

Damn Full Tilt for having technical difficulties!!

Fair warning: barely any poker content here... just big Life questions, and crap that goes through my head all the time...


to quote a Very Important Book (well, text is changed by personalizing):
"More than most people, I lead a double life. I am very much the actor. To the outer world I present my stage character. This is the one I like my fellows to see. I want to enjoy a certain reputation...."

That sums up a big chunk of my life, I'm sorry to say. For most of my life, I haven't really lived being honest with myself (and with the rest of the world). I have all too often tried to create an image of myself in others' eyes that is not the truth, but rather what I want others to think is the truth about who I am. I try to act more cool, more intelligent, more stable, more -- I dunno, more of however it is I think will make me look "better" in your eyes.

Sad, huh? I was about to write there have been chunks of my life where this wasn't the case, but just as I was about to write about two specific periods of my life where I felt I was living as much at the heart of Who I Am as I could, I immediately recalled why that would have been a big lie.

Why is this? I don't know. And I'll be honest, moving over to the left coast has, in a way, given me at least a partial clean slate. I've kept much to myself since moving out here; sure I've met some people, and when I was going to the casinos 3-4 times / week I was beginning to make some connections too... I'll tell ya what -- the times I have been most "at ease" with myself, I have been in a casino, sitting at a poker table, or taking a break and talking to somebody about a hand, or poker in general. I'm very comfortable in that environment. I met a lot of asswipes there, too, but there were others who loved to play and talk and read about poker like I do.

At work? I'm lost. I majored in theatre arts in college, I acted and directed in plays, I played bongos in a hippie band, I designed & ran lights for a major label rock band, and I just kinda fell into the computer world. And where I work these people have a language all their own... smart people, but with so much more technical knowledge and experience than I have that I feel like an outsider, almost an intruder into some other world.

At play? Play for me is low-key, and often solitary. Yet even when I'm by myself, I feel like I want to somehow make sure that everyone who sees me when I'm out to dinner by myself, or at the movies by myself, realizes that I'm OK with that. I DO honestly love being by myself, and doing things by myself. But why do I think anyone even pays attention to the fact that I'm there, let alone CARE if they think anything of me?!

And then there's the other part of my life, where I spend a lot of time with similarly-spiritually minded people. Even in the one specific group I spend a big chunk of that time with, I don't feel like "me." I feel somehow that they must know more than I do; I get nervous when it's my turn to speak in front of the group (and only that group), and my face turns a horrid shade of red (I haven't seen it, I just feel it, and let me tell you - it's gotta be hideous!), and the connection typically made between my brain and my mouth breaks down... I feel like an outsider.

Hell, I'll be honest - I feel like an outsider in Life. Been the case for most of my life. And I know that that can be changed. Question is: am I willing to change?

I'm not writing this for pity, or for anyone to say "don't be silly" (yes, it does feel silly - please don't remind me). I know I'm not the only one in the world who goes through this (or has gone through this). I'm not afraid or ashamed of who I am or what I go through. In all honesty, I don't know why I'm writing this. Just to get it out? Maybe... I'll tell ya this, though -- this blog, as a whole, has been the Real Me. Not the Actor Me. I hope to keep it that way, and strive to meld this same "realness" into the "real world."